Author Topic: Kelsey Andersson - Approved [R]  (Read 431 times)

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Kelsey Andersson - Approved [R]
« on: 02 Jan 2012, 09:13 am »
First and Last Name: Kelsey Andersson
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Bloodline: Muggle-Born

Hair Color: Light Brown

Eye Color: Brown

General Build: Petit

Height: Average

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Birthplace: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgoge rychwyrndrobwllllantysil iogogogoch, North Wales

Brief Childhood History: Born on a Waxing Moon on a warm Autumn night, Kelsey was welcomed into the world by her Muggle parents, Richard and Sandra, and her older siblings - Sarah and William. She was the first Witch in the family. Sandra knew that Kelsey was different, as her Great-great Grandmother, who was of Swedish descent and a Wise Woman, was the spitting image of her. Being from a farming family, Kelsey caught on to most things quite quickly. However, she realised that she was different to her siblings, as strange things always happened while Kelsey was growing up.

While attending a Muggle Primary school, Kelsey quickly learnt to read and write and to mix with others. She found friends quite easily and was true to them. During one Maths lesson in her final year of the Primary school, Kelsey's gift was almost shown to the entire class - she kind of made the answers of the maths test appear next to her. After finding the answers next to her she made a rather strange squeak which alerted the teacher to come and remove her from the test. Now, being classed as a cheat not just by her teacher but also her classmates, Kelsey was made to take the test once again. Kelsey became very worried about what her true friends would think about her so she asked her parents if she could finish her Primary education at home.

On the morning of her 11th birthday, a wonderful surprise arrived for Kelsey. It was a brown envelope with dark red writing upon it. While she opened this letter; Kelsey noticed that there was a grey Eagle-Owl waiting on the family tractor. Screaming with excitement; Kelsey ran to her parents to show them this letter - her acceptance letter to Hogwarts...

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Strengths (At least three, including Personality and Academic): Kelsey is the type of girl who people just like, she has the ability to make friends quickly and is very approachable.She is a hard working girl and is very focused on her learning - however the subject is. She is particularly interested in History; so History of Magic will be something that she feels she will excel in. Being a good listener is another of Kelsey's strengths; as she knows that when a person truly listens they can achieve anything they want. Being a member of a family who runs a Muggle Farm; Care Of Magical Creatures is another subject that Kelsey feels she will excel in; she has already done some reading on the subject. Kelsey has a bit of an avid imagination; so Transfiguration is another subject that Kelsey will fit right in with.

Weaknesses (At least three, including Personality and Academic): There are some issues with Kelsey, as she has a little bit of a temper; it could lost it over anything from playing with her older siblings to not getting her work just so. Over sleeping is another - Kelsey loves her sleep and she has to set three alarms to wake her. She is a little worried that her alarms will wake her entire dorm when she arrives at Hogwarts; as it already wakes the whole house! Over eating - boy does Kelsey love her food and she has heard about the House Elves that magically make the food appear when dinner is happening. As for her school subjects, Kelsey is a little worried about Potions, as science (that is what she is seeing it as) is not the strongest subject - she once turned an onion slice orange and not purple as that was the colour of the dye that the class were all using. Charms is another subject Kelsey is worried about as she may live in the small village with 52 letters in its name she is not that good at remembering complex words, but she have a go at the. She is worried about things blowing up in her face. Quidditch or flying is the worst feared subject for Kelsey as she has a fear of heights and she is not good when travelling; the Hogwarts Express is something that Kelsey is dreading.

What House You Feel Your Character Belongs In and Why: Kelsey feels that she would fit into the Ravenclaw house. This is because she feels that she has intelligence, she has a rather creative streak within her, her resourcefulness is something to be commented on (She is a member of the Muggle volunteering movement; Girlguiding UK) and she also has a good sense of humour. She is academically motivated and her Muggle teachers once said that she was very talented at her studies.

((Grammar & Spell Check has also been done))
« Last Edit: 02 Jan 2012, 02:47 pm by Jayce »

Offline Jayce

Re: Kelsey Andersson
« Reply #1 on: 02 Jan 2012, 01:48 pm »
Hi there! Welcome to HPRPG! Before we can get you sorted, there are just a few things to attend to.

I'm first going to have to ask you to swap out all your uses of the semi-colon for just a comma. Semi-colons are really only used for either certain types of lists, or to connect two independent clauses.

Now, Kelsey's show of magic is a bit too much to happen in front of a crowd of muggles. If all those muggle children had actually seen a test actually float over and up over her head, then the ministry would have stepped into wipe all their memories. So perhaps edit it so that the implication of cheating is a bit more subtle, like the test answers just happened to appear next to Kelsey, even though she did not actually go and get them.

Please also expand the strengths and weaknesses section so that they're in complete sentences. You will also need to reword the 'house' portion so that it's in third person format.

Once you've done that, just change the title from 'pending' to 'edited'!

Colby Lovell | Madoc Kruszewski

Offline Jayce

Re: Kelsey Andersson - Edited
« Reply #2 on: 02 Jan 2012, 02:30 pm »
Thanks for editing your sheet in terms of information, but you don't seem to have changed anything about the semi-colons. In fact, you've only added more. I am going to have to ask you again to go back and make sure you're using them correctly. I've edited a sample of your sheet below to show where they should be taken out and other grammatical errors.

Quote
Born on a Waxing Moon on a warm Autumn night, Kelsey was welcomed into the world by her Muggle parents, Richard and Sandra, and her older siblings - Sarah and William. She was the first Witch in the family. Sandra knew that Kelsey was different, as her Great-great Grandmother, who was of Swedish descent and a Wise Woman, and Kesley was the spitting image of her. Being from a farming family, Kelsey caught on to most things quite quickly. However, she realised that she was different to her siblings, as strange things always happened while Kelsey was growing up.

Once you've edited that and other similar instances within the sheet, just change your title again. ^___^

Colby Lovell | Madoc Kruszewski

Offline Jayce

Re: Kelsey Andersson - Edited
« Reply #3 on: 02 Jan 2012, 02:47 pm »
:approvedr:

Colby Lovell | Madoc Kruszewski