Author Topic: Kisa Myth - Approved [R]  (Read 578 times)

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Kisa Myth

Kisa Myth - Approved [R]
« on: 14 Jul 2011, 03:35 pm »
First and Last Name: Kisa Myth

Bloodline: Half Blood
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Green
General Build: Average
Height: Average

Birthplace: London
Brief Childhood History: Kisa was born in a hospital at London near Candem Town. Her mother is a muggle and her father a wizard, and they lived in the outskirts of the city. Her father works at Diagon alley at a shop, selling magical child books; and her mother works at a flower shop. She grew up reading loads of books, which made her want to learn more and more about magic, and it is much easier to do so surrounded by nature and flowers. But because of her laziness she never studied anything she wasn't interested in, so she isn't very "advanced" anyway.
Kisa also has an older brother called Ian, and they both play pranks on each other, but if they have a common objective, they will unite their strengths to make it. They're a very close family, and when Kisa was sometimes bullied by people who thought she was strange, her brother would stand for her without a second thought.
She received her Hogwarts letter with even more joy than her brother. She liked studying a lot, but had absolutely decided to be a writer for books like the ones her father sold. Actually, her dream was that some day her father would be selling the books she wrote and it would bring more clients to the shop, so her family would be less cash-strapped.


Strengths (Including Personality and Academic): Her IQ is a bit (just a bit) higher than the average, she can handle herself alone, this means that she can be with no one around and perfectly okay, and that she can take care of herself. She is calm and doesn't like to talk much, also is easygoing, so she won't judge anyone she doesn't know by their looks or rumors of other people, and whenever she wants to she just starts thinking and the world disappears for her, so she became a very active daydreamer. Very good at Transfiguration.
Weaknesses (Including Personality and Academic): Very impulsive, if someone starts criticizing her or anything she will sometimes react without thinking, a bit WAY too daydreamer, extremely lazy, sometimes violent when she gets angry, not good at History of Magic.
What House You Feel Your Character Belongs In and Why: I would like her to go to Ravenclaw because of her IQ and more brain than anything else, because of her creativity and introversion.
« Last Edit: 21 Jul 2011, 10:39 pm by Jayce »

Offline Jayce

Re: Kisa Myth
« Reply #1 on: 14 Jul 2011, 04:05 pm »
Hi there! Welcome to HPRPG!

Before we can get you sorted, there are a several things that need to be addressed.

Firstly, it would be great if you went back through the application and fixed all the grammatical errors. There are several run-on sentences and it makes the application hard to read.

Secondly, you say her birthplace is in Cambridge, but in her history you say she was born in a hospital in London. London and Cambridge are two different cities in England, so if you could clear that up, that'd be fantastic. ;)

Thirdly, can you go back and expand more on the strengths and weaknesses you have listed for Kisa? It's great to know that she's calm, easygoing, and a daydreamer, but how are those strengths for her? We just want to know why you've listed the characteristics you have for Kisa's strengths and weaknesses. And in addition to that, we'll also need for you to provide for us at least one class that Kisa would succeed in (strengths) and struggle with (weaknesses).

Once you've done that, go ahead and change the title from 'pending' to 'edited' and we'll go from there! :biglove:

Colby Lovell | Madoc Kruszewski

Kisa Myth

Re: Kisa Myth - Pending
« Reply #2 on: 15 Jul 2011, 06:43 am »
is it okay this way? :D

Offline Jayce

Re: Kisa Myth - Pending
« Reply #3 on: 20 Jul 2011, 08:19 pm »
Sorry if took so long to get back to you, but none of the staff realized you had edited your sheet since you didn't changed the topic title to 'edited'.

Unfortunately, there are still a few things that still need to be changed.

The addition of semi-colons doesn't actually fix your run on sentences. Semi-colons are usually used to join two thoughts of a similar subject together to make a greater impact. So you don't really need all of the ones you have in your Strengths and Weaknesses section and it would actually be better if you swapped them out for periods instead. ;) There are also still several grammatical errors within the sheet that make it hard to decipher. I've edited a portion of your sheet below to help you along:

Quote
She received her Hogwarts letter with even more joy than her brother. but even if She liked studying a lot, she was but had absolutely decided to be a writer for books like the ones her father sold. Actually, her dream was that some day her father would be selling the books she wrote and it would bring more clients to the shop so her family would be less cash-strapped.

And you still have her listed as being born in both Cambridge and London, which like I said before, are two different cities in England. So please edit that accordingly. ;)

Once you've done that, remember to change the title from pending to edited so that we'll see you've made the changes. :D

Colby Lovell | Madoc Kruszewski

Kisa Myth

Re: Kisa Myth - Edited
« Reply #4 on: 21 Jul 2011, 10:01 pm »
I hope its okay now ;) . I'm sorry about the grammar, I'm not english and I'm not very good at it  :sweatdrop:

Offline Jayce

Re: Kisa Myth - Edited
« Reply #5 on: 21 Jul 2011, 10:39 pm »
:approvedr:

Colby Lovell | Madoc Kruszewski